ON THAT DAY

When I received the news, right there and then I looked for a space and wanted to be alone.

I wanted a total silent place so I went up to our rooftop and looked up to the skies.
It was dark, it covered me and the night didn’t see me crying.

Dramatic?
Yes, but I didn’t mind to being dramatic.

Looking up, looking at the tiny glittering stars and dark sky.

I talked to God.

I told him my pain, grief, and ungrateful as well.

I blamed myself for being selfish.
for not serving my mother well during her illness.

I felt guilt for my not giving my all to help her. I just felt I am not deserved from my mothers love. 

I asked forgiveness for my shortcomings.

And the night was looking at me
I think I stopped the world.
There was nothing but the overflowing sadness.
There was a mother over there, lying lifeless.
And here was her son, so far away, miles distance away. 
Wanted to come near but can’t.

I prayed for my mother.
I prayed for her eternal peace.
I prayed for her place in heaven.
For a moment of silence, I didn’t move nor speak.
I just sat down in the darkness, lamenting.
It was just like when my mother was in pain during her dying days,
waiting God to speak.
Now that the final day had come,
I was mournful while alone at the rooftop.

For days I didn’t want to live like my ordinary day.
I can’t.
I can’t have fun, watch television, do internet, be mortal in this world.

I just wanted to pay respect for her.

For days I just wanted to pay tribute for my mother through reminiscing her life and acknowledging her unconditional love.

Nine days, forty days, and one year - I was mourning of her lost.

First Holy Week, first fiesta, first Christmas, first New Year, first birthday.

Firsts without her, it is really difficult to realize that life will not be the same anymore.
Days have passed,
until today, I still cannot imagine that we’ll never see each other again.