Friday, July 13, 2012


For some, marriage is the crowning glory in our life's journey and putting period on it is symbol of big failure.  To look still successful, some couples are playing the role of ideal parents to their children and neighbors while in fact the relationship is torture when no eyes are after them.   It is in this situation the couple is caught in the bound of responsibilities that they cannot deserve.   And the core essence, importance and purity of love are then at stake and questioned.

When marriage gets on the rock, it really puts you in a very difficult situation.  Being in the hot seat of weighting the pros and cons is a matter of make or break.  It involves sensitive personal concerns and differences of the two individuals that should meet in a common solution.  When not resolved, it collapses that so called everyone’s ultimate dream.  And it is hard to accept that the dream you’ve prepared for long will just mess up and turn unsuccessful.

Marital status has been always the barometer of success regardless of your position, personality and belief.  That is why when your marriage is failure, you are then tagged bad or poor.  Especially in a conservative culture, we have this reputation that broken family is not good example of legacy.  The society has easily label the product of broken marriage to be incapable of building relationship and family.  This prejudice inflicts stigma that is so unfair for the whole family.

When one is trying so hard to save the relationship and yet it seems doesn’t work, fixing up is bigger than life to handle.  Communication matters.   In relationship or anything else, there is always room for improvement.  Find the root-cause.  Sit-down, lay all cards on the table and come up with agreed arrangement.  Do not walk out the door without mutual agreement, be it nice and favorable or the otherwise.  It is not an overnight process, give each other space for self-reflection.  Then if both cannot meet half-way after several sits, call it pessimistic but the couple has to put period on their relationship.

While it is true that there is no perfect relationship, but if marriage becomes burden for the whole family, if misunderstanding is actually incompatibility, if petty quarrels are not really petty as they are, and if despite the attempts to save the marriage but things have just turn even worse, split-up is the last resort.  Especially when physical, moral and verbal harm are involved, it is better to keep the respect of both spouses by taking each ways rather than inviting the worse comes to even worst to devastate the whole family.  Nobody wants failure and every parent’s utmost wish is to give their children a happy and complete family.  But it is not right to raise your children in an infernal environment.  And it is unfair too for the couple to insist doing the task that they cannot perform well anymore.

“To each his own” should not use as antagonism.   It is just the needed chance to start again and live the learned lesson and maturity.  Separation is just the time for both spouses to move on.  You need to grow after failing the marriage.  Closure is very important and it really needs to have, it frees whatever life the couple has to choose for their growth.  In the end, it will be more complicated if issues are not completely and properly settled.  Just keep in mind that you are putting an end not for any hidden interest but to pick up your pieces and re-build everything first and foremost.

Broken marriage should not be categorized loss, weakness, defect and disgrace.  On the other hand, it could be the experience you need to become a person you want to be.  Dispel self-pity.  Do not regret of failed marriage and feel guilty of not been a good husband or wife.  Maybe you are really not meant to be a couple but instead the best of friend only.  You have to accept the outcome of the relationship.  Why don’t you just think that maybe you will grow well if without each other?  Life is certainly will not stop in separation anyway.

By Alex V. Villamayor
July 13, 2012

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