HULING PAG-UUSAP

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Alam kong hirap kang magsalita...

Huwag ng pilitin na magsalita.

Ako na muna ang uusap

Basta makinig na lang sa mga sasabihin ko.

Alam ko mahirap ang pinagdadaanan mo.

Basta kumapit ka lang sa Diyos,

Isuko sa Kanya ang lahat-lahat. Ang lahat-lahat.

Huwag nyo kaming intindihin,

Huwag kaming alalahanin

Basta ang isipin nyo ay ang para sa inyo na lamang.

Ang mahalaga ay ang sarili nyo,

Ang isipin nyo ay iyung sarili mo lamang,

Dahil kaya na naman namin.

Huwag nyo ako isipin,

Kasi kaya kong mabuhay nang ako lang.

Ito ang gusto ko,

Mas gusto ko yung nag-iisa

Masaya ako sa buhay ko.

Masaya ako kung ano ang pinili kong buhay.

Mas malakas ako, mas makakatulong ako, mas masaya ako kung nag-iisa lang ako.

Kaya huwag nyong  isipin na nakakaawa ako kasi hindi ganuon.

Tandaan nyo po na lahat kami...

Mga anak, pati ang mga apo,

pati mga manugang;

mahal namin kayo.

Kung hindi man ako makauwi,

yun kasing sitwasyon ng trabaho ko ang pumipigil sa akin.

Pero pipilitin ko pa rin makauwi.

Pero kung hinihintay nyo ako kahit hirap na hirap ka na...

Huwag nyo na akong intindihin.

Basta laging tandaan at isipin

Na lagi ko naman kayo iniisip.

Apektado din ako sa nangyayari.

Hindi ako yung klase ng anak na malambing

At siguro kaming mga anak niyo ay hindi yung malambing sa magulang.

Pero mahal na mahal mamin kayo.

I love you po.

Kapit lang sa Diyos makakaya ninyo yan.

Ang Pagkausap sa Isang Ina.

Marso 2018

ON THAT DAY

When I received the news, right there and then I looked for a space and wanted to be alone.

I wanted a total silent place so I went up to our rooftop and looked up to the skies.
It was dark, it covered me and the night didn’t see me crying.

Dramatic?
Yes, but I didn’t mind to being dramatic.

Looking up, looking at the tiny glittering stars and dark sky.

I talked to God.

I told him my pain, grief, and ungrateful as well.

I blamed myself for being selfish.
for not serving my mother well during her illness.

I felt guilt for my not giving my all to help her. I just felt I am not deserved from my mothers love. 

I asked forgiveness for my shortcomings.

And the night was looking at me
I think I stopped the world.
There was nothing but the overflowing sadness.
There was a mother over there, lying lifeless.
And here was her son, so far away, miles distance away. 
Wanted to come near but can’t.

I prayed for my mother.
I prayed for her eternal peace.
I prayed for her place in heaven.
For a moment of silence, I didn’t move nor speak.
I just sat down in the darkness, lamenting.
It was just like when my mother was in pain during her dying days,
waiting God to speak.
Now that the final day had come,
I was mournful while alone at the rooftop.

For days I didn’t want to live like my ordinary day.
I can’t.
I can’t have fun, watch television, do internet, be mortal in this world.

I just wanted to pay respect for her.

For days I just wanted to pay tribute for my mother through reminiscing her life and acknowledging her unconditional love.

Nine days, forty days, and one year - I was mourning of her lost.

First Holy Week, first fiesta, first Christmas, first New Year, first birthday.

Firsts without her, it is really difficult to realize that life will not be the same anymore.
Days have passed,
until today, I still cannot imagine that we’ll never see each other again.