I have no idea what is going on in me. I feel the sadness, boredom, tiredness, negativity, and sluggishness in my solitude. I feel frustrated, guilty, worthless, paranoid, insecure and even worried. At first they were nothing to me when I started feeling them about years ago. Saying they are just ordinary emotions that I used to feel every day. Not until I feel I am not contented in my life to the point that I think if this is what it call life then I wished I just never existed at all. This is the period that I am really feeling emotionally uncomfortable. I hate this feeling as if you are all alone and no one can feel what you're going through.
For years I feel the stress at work. There is no doubt I really work so hard, honestly, and more than my capacity. I can even claim that I am the busiest among my league. With these, I was really pressured and tired which lead me to some mistakes. Having the silent personality that I am, I want to change the standard but I don’t have that voice to stand and speak out. So I am trying to assume the duties that are bigger than me. And then my personal events slowly coincide with the flow. I feel I’ve done so many wrongs in the pasts. It started when I felt no matter what I do, I cannot achieve my ultimate dream which is to have my very own house because of my wrong approach. I just cannot accept that despite the sincere perseverance I did, I was never granted with my dreams. I applied in a financial institution twice but twice I felt the disappointment, seek the help of individuals twice or thrice but on my dismay I was cheated with some amount of money. Until I decided to loan for the sake of planning to own house. It was not easy, I had to have it the hard way only to find out that it will not work for my plan, neither to go to second option of renovating my house or owning townhouse. The loaned money is pending in my bank account while I am paying the interest of the money that has not placed in valuable worth. For this I am experiencing anxiety about my life being halfway but I feel nothing is happening. It is like while I am aging, the chance of achieving it becomes slim and if ever I own it, it’ll be just a short-lived to enjoy it.
Along with these, I am in the situation where I feel I am alone in quest of proving myself but seem the more I do the things I believe right, the more I feel guilt and villain. Then I feel paranoid, assuming that people around me are either against me or keeping distance. Even my closest friend disliked my being cynical, assuming, sensitive and speculative. This hurts me and adds self-pity for I am not having someone to express my sentiments and feelings. While feeling alone, I can’t help but to go back my past decisions that I think I made mistakes like choosing to return to my previous work, loaning without firmed objective, and the inadequate effort to own a house that I longed dreamed. Because of these I blame myself for a remarkable change that I wanted in my life but I cannot have. And then I feel a dramatic boredom in my life that I’m trying to overcome but worsening because things are simply not falling into my hands, and it seems opportunity doesn’t agree with me. Feeling helpless, I am in the point that I have realized that this is not the life what I wanted should be.
At my late age now, I am still not successful in terms of career, finance, and personal aspirations which make me feel failed. These dearths give me overloaded with mix worries like the wait-and-see political turmoil in my work, unprepared fallback when there’s need for forced repatriation, and family medical emergency funds. Add yet my fear in competitive age to land new job. All of these hold me in lack of interest to enjoy and keep pro-active. I think it’s a sort of mid-life crisis, where I am in a certain point that I look myself loser. I don’t know what the mid-life crisis is until I feel anger and sadness because of this failure which I keep of denying instead of accepting my faults. It hurt me to feel all these things at this certain point of my age that every good thing seems not to be meant for me. I want to leave this period, get over and look forward for the new life. Like my closest friend says, until I do not disown the anger and move on, I will remain troubled and pain in the past.
By Aex V. Villamayor
October 5, 2014