For my birthday, I know it’s time of the year where I can be crazy without being questioned. It’s the only day in a year that I can act selfish and boastful without opposition from my family and friends, so I’ll praise myself to the fullest to celebrate the day I want it. First, let me tell about a brief flashback where I came from. If there is part of my life that I wish to put set aside, it is my teen’s years. I had so many insecurities in life then. During high school, I was embarrassed when I was rejected to become a partner in a dance number to be performed in our school foundation day. I strongly feel the very reason of that was my physical look which is obviously not the typical cutie that high school girls will attract. I had the feeling of seclusion and self-doubt that I always blamed to being me. And I had this stutterer speech defect which made me quiet in school that I did not participate in class discussion and recitation even when I know the answer. And this is where I came from my being not into debate. I don’t talk much, I do not impose what I know and what I want – if once or twice I said the truth I know, then I will not argue. At the end, the truth will prevail.
When I was a child, I always wanted to become agriculturist because I like plants. Then I wanted to be an actor when I saw a movie actor visited our town. There were times I wanted to be a priest – those times were when many of our neighbours flatter my mother for having a kind child like me. Then I wanted to be a dentist as my fancy dream during high school. But the ambition that I can say I was already on the “right mind” was to be a journalist because I know this is my strength, and I’d realized it during high school. About my Father – I got the characteristics of having strong conviction and holding the value of words (word of honour) from my father. My father is a man of principle, he keeps his words till the end. Like me, my decisions are firmed and uninfluenced, my conviction is strong and unshaken, my promise is sacred. My principle in life is that – I will speak about ends if I’m sure of it that is why once I said something I will really go for it till the end. I can only possibly change my word if it will harm life and health. Those who know me, maybe it is obvious that I easily get irritated when there are often changes in what have planned, or if someone did not fulfil what have been said, like giving directions, meeting at specific time, and changing small decisions – these are simple things that show the importance of word of honor. Also being organized in the house and good housekeeping are traits of my father that I’ve got too. On the other side is my mother, being honest in work is my mother’s characteristic that I have obtained. When it is work, my mother really works (continuously) in fact, this is in here (aside from quality of work she provides) she was known for in their work. When it’s said it’s work it means work, I don’t cheat my employer by coming late, going home under time, claiming pay that was not really worked for, taking resources and using position for personal advantage. My mother is not after the money, there were even times she went home empty handed after she paid their workers during paydays for her she will look first their workers than herself. Also, being patient, humble and unmaliciously (maybe because of her low educational attainment) are the characteristics that I got from her.
I am independent. My life during my early teens that made me loner has developed me to become independent in the sense that I will do the things alone, be it personal or work. I run my own life alone. Build my dreams and working to achieve them alone. If I have problem, I find the solution all by myself. Very seldom I cried for help, if any – those are inevitable which is very seldom. I do not usually ask favor or help for personal things. Even in work. During the times of heavy workload, I do not call someone to do this or do that for me. I am not the bossy-type who used to command to get what I need and want. I can work alone. Actually, one of the reasons why I decided to work abroad is to live independently and alone. This is a personal choice. Living separately has nothing family issue or any social-interrelation problem. I just want to live alone.
Innocent or maybe stupid – I may not know the trends, not a wiseman, and may not good in politicking but I rather want to be these ways because it is in here where I feel good in the eyes of God. I don’t want to sound myself hypocrite and insensitive that just right after speaking humility I will speak self-importance but this is just merely an expression of an honest opinion. But the truth is, sometimes when I look at the others, I feel in my heart that I am still a better person and it inspires me. Because knowing their deeds, words and character, somehow I can say without blowing own horn that I am the less guilt and I’ve realized just to pursue what I’ve used to do. Candid – if you do not know me, in times I may sound arrogant to you but that is I just want to become honest about the truth and I don’t mean to offend. Luckily I have that credibility to speak painful truth without offending. I mean, I’m not usually talking for I do not believe in. In my past group, friends used to ask me to give my opinion as their last resort when arguing in a certain thing because they said I am not biased when I speak and my reputation is that I speak the truth. I’m happy friends are relying on me for I have the convincing to talk harsh without offending. But I am not smart and actually I like it. Too clever makes people too speculative, dominating and injunctive. People are too smart that they missed to trust and care. In their brilliance they become doubtful, prompting, judgmental, cynical, interfering, skeptic, authoritative, scrupulous, skeptic, sarcastic, cynic, and mischievous. I am not skeptic, I easily trust a person because I want honesty in what I do so I expect people do the same. I am not suspicious if someone is doing something against me or to other people. I am not a politicking person – it’s not in my character to bash, to lobby, to get vengeance, to take advantage, to prejudge, to use, to play dirty tactics in getting what I want. I want equality to become everything is deserved. I admit I’m poor that I do not excel in any chosen field. Been a bank teller, been a customer service officer, office assistant, tried guitar, but did not get the best of me there, even in the field of writing. I joined in Gintong Palanca writing contest but lost. But all in all, I like it because it pushed me to do more and kept my feet on the ground.
My music should be mellow sound. Hate that noisy rock ‘n roll and metallic genre. Here are some theme songs of my life. The first song that I remember became my favorite was “You Needed Me by Anne Murray”. Those were the years when I started to feel in-love. Although it should be the other way around as in “I Needed You” because I actually needed that girl but I like the melody of the song that made me felt in-love every time I heard the song in the radio. There were times I like the hit-back “Season in the Sun” when I wanted to leave everything and say good bye to those people I love, because I felt destiny denied and oppressed me. In the same year, “The Greatest Love of All by George Benson” inspired me because I had a feeling of I am tired in loving others but not myself. Number one in the Billboard “The Great Pretender by Righteous Brothers” became a personal favorite because of the loneliness I keep inside that other people seem not seen. In the 90’s, “Dying Inside” and “Hiding Inside Myself” were two of my all-time favorite songs because they are exactly about me. “Somebody by Depeche Mode” became a personal favorite, while “You’ve Got A Friend by James Taylor“ became my song when I thought I found a friend but then I realized that It was a one-way friendship only, a friendship that I fought but gave up when I felt my effort was not deserved and worth. But when year 2000 comes, I lost in the scenes in music.
Today I am dreaming. I wish to become a philanthropist. I dream to help children, to help financial needs of poor students (especially those in public schools) and to keep the welfare of environment will be the order of my chosen advocacies. If I wish richness, it is because I want to help and not mainly for myself. Because I am contented to live in a small retiring home that I designed in a place where different plants are surrounding it – because I want to go back to where I used to enjoy doing when I was a child – the plants. I wish the world peace. In this chaotic world, someday I want our world is living in harmony, peace and unity. I am a peace-loving person, I don’t like violence and definitely against waging war. And for my country, I wish my Philippines be back in glorious days again. But by the way, if I will be an animal, I want to become a bird because I want to fly high and go in different places.
And I will not end this day without acknowledging the works of my Creator in me. Good or bad I need them all, it’s up to me how I turned them into what I should do.
Alex V. Villamayor
November 30, 2015