UNDERSTANDING ALEX

There are odd traits of me that for those who do not know me might say they are weird things.  It might a bit strange to others but I found them nothing and very typical.  They are intangible things that perfectly fit in my life as I wanted.  If what is wrong and what’s the matter with me, there are such weird things encounters in my words and phrases that I think only me can understand.

I want dark. When I am at my own place and spending my leisure times, I want my lights either switched off or partially lit only, be it candle or dim lights.  It looks black and I think it is art.  Black is one of the two favorite colors, it tells my fancy in dark and my passion in arts.  In fact, it often shows in most of my artworks, personal stuff, and even in my traits.  Black is very versatile, fair and unstoppable.

Home is my favorite place and bedroom is my most liked spot in the house, it is my comfort zone.  In moments I do not prefer to see the clear and whole picture of my place, and when it is not really important or there is nothing needs to shed more lights on the setting, I rather wanted the place in dim lights only.  I want the dark wraps me whole in my most relaxing mode.

I want seclusion.  I can spend my whole day being alone and quite all day.  If it is not shame to be unspoken and not mingling with people in the house, I would rather like to be alone and silent.  I am a very private and silent person and I am very comfortable with that.  There are years I intended to keep my day undisclosed with three things in my mind.  I wanted to be greeted on the day without reminding my friends about it.  I wanted to prove that birthday thanksgiving is not always about food and party.  And I wanted to endure my being loner, my privacy and peace on my special day.  Until now I don’t announce it in any of my social media account with a feeling of disliking present and greetings that I have just hinted.

I want to be a bird.  I want to fly high and far without limits, reach the sky.  Flying is such a crazy thing that I dream into reality.  The feeling of passing through the air where you can feel it when you fly is something that enthuse me.  I have created an unnamed flying superhero myself in a blue costume with red veil over the shoulder.  He is “Mega Man”, the defender of the right which I’m trying to find the local counterpart words to become more nationalism.   I have dreamed it several times.

But unlike other superheroes without exhaustion, someday when I get old, when I have retired from works, I would like to recluse in a place that is so quiet, peace, and far.  Far from the place that I used to stayed most that is disorder, messy and noisy metropolis.  I want to live in my retiring home near in a cool mountain, cosy farm and casting-eye at a distance is the blue calm sea.  I want to get closer to nature.

I want to be alone.  Romantic relationship is not my main preference and not my ultimate purpose in life.  Settling down and commitment to build own family are not my calling.  There are just things we want in our life which we cannot get if we’re not the person we want to be.  I want to be alone to shed my worries in life when I get up there.  I feel raising a family is beyond this mortal life that even up to my grandchildren is still my responsibility to ensure them in the right way.

I want everything has not happened at all, hoped I was not born in the first place.  If this I have now is the so called life, then I feel I have done.  It is not wishing to end the life but I just feel life seems no more to go without being felt its topmost.  Life is not about me.  I’m not talking about family when I said I always waived but nothing left me, and nothing is returning back to the affection I showed.  I’m asking myself what kind of sinner am I, seems luck is so elusive despite the good behavior I did instead gives me only worries, failure and sorrow.

By Alex V. Villamayor 

November 30, 2013